Killing Mr. Griffin, Chapter 11: Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Office #evanreviews

What would happen if Quentin Tarantino took a blow to the head and started writing John Hughes-esque teen fiction? This book, that’s what. Welcome back to Evan Reviews for Chapter 11 of Killing Mr. Griffin. The names have been changed to protect me from getting bored. 

When last we met, we got a little slice of life from the Rocksteady, Guapo, and Snape households, post kidnapping/manslaughter. How will the police pursue the investigation? Will Duckling crack under pressure? Will Gram Guapo get the love she deserves?

 

******BEWARE THAR BE SPOILERS********

Summary
Duckling is sitting in class, daydreaming about how odd the nice teacher is subbing for their dead one, when her name is called over the loudspeaker to report to the office. We get a small flashback of the Duckling household and how the family think Duckling looks like crap. The reason she looks and feels like crap are her sensitive writer emotions making her feel all bad for killing a dude. The reason she went to school despite feeling like crap is that Rocksteady is a manipulative sociopath with mind suggestion powers.

On the way to the office, she meets up with Rocksteady. He preps her for her perp walk and reminds her that the police ain't nothin but punks. We also get a retread of Snape's philosophy that all the kids are spoiled brats, which might have been good if not coming from an entitled jerk. Rocksteady dismisses this load of bull pucky because Snape did not know who his father was. Rocksteady then coaches Duckling to tell the police that Snape had a dame on the side, a real doll with stems that go all the way to heaven and honey gold hair the color of fresh corn. Duckling tries to get Rocksteady to go with her, but he says no. As she walks away, he looks at her disapprovingly and gets some water.

Observations
1. I am not saying that I would have acted any better in their situation (teenagers are dumb), but man these kids just get on my nerves at how ho-hum the are about this whole murder thing.
2. I might be getting rusty at my lit crit or maybe this was shoehorned in a bit, but this chapter where Duckling relates Snapes words about Ophelia really hammered home the comparison between Duckling and Ophelia. Ironic, considering this comparison is handed to us from the words of a dead man who did not believe in handing out information.

Thank you, this has been today's #evanreviews

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Killing Mr. Griffin, Chapter 10: Do I Have to Call Batman on These Kids? #evanreviews

What would happen if Quentin Tarantino took a blow to the head and started writing John Hughes-esque teen fiction? This book, that’s what. Welcome back to Evan Reviews for Chapter 10 of Killing Mr. Griffin. The names have been changed to protect me from getting bored. 

The Killing Club has lived up to it's name and establishing an alibi at the local malt shop after the big game. Will Rocksteady come up with a plan to save all their butts? Will Duckling and El Guapo break out of their shells and get at least one conscious between them? Let's find out.

 

******BEWARE THAR BE SPOILERS********

Summary
Rocksteady's Aunt and Uncle comment on their nefew's early morning disappearance. They randomly tell each other information about their own lives both of them should know, like how they had grown kids and how it was the right thing to take Rocksteady in after blah blah.

Cut to Casa de Guapo. El Guapo is all full of murder and ain't very hungry for breakfast. Ma Guapo and Gram gush over how El Guapo is dating now and how cute it was. Then Gram starts farting up his alibi by not remembering and he almost reminds her about how he drugged her so he could go kill his teacher. El Guapo starts yelling at Gram that he ate the Jello with her and when she disagrees, whoo boy. Really, he's kinda testy. The whole scene ends when Gram upset that she slept through her afternoon shows in a drug stupor, El Guapo is mucking up his alibi, and Ma is weirded out to hell and back.

Whip pan over to the police station, where Preggo Snape is reporting her husband missing to Capt. Gordon. We learn that Snape is honestly the most boring man alive and that he is allergic to alcohol, which is just the biggest bummer ever. Gordon questions her some more about motive, whether Snape would have jumped ship because she had a bun nearly done in her oven, but she's all "Negatory, good buddy, my man's a keeper." Gordon says "Cool" and instead of going up to the roof and lighting up the Bat-signal decides to talk to Duckling, the last person to see Snape.

Observations
1. I know I have never been married, much less for years, but my parents were and I can not think of them sitting at morning coffee talking about their lives like this. Expo dump, indeed.
2. Their kid or not, how the hell can Rocksteady's guardians let him run around like this, coming home whenever he wants and never engaging him? I do not want to claim they are bad parents, but a lot of the blame is being laid on Rocksteady here with talk like, "our kids never blah, but this kid, he always blah." Not saying they could have helped it, but they do not seem to care much either way.
3. Another anachronistic moment when Gram mentions the Newlywed game, which I am fairly sure has not been around for about 15-20 years.
4. We learn from Lady Snape and Capt. Gordon that this takes place in Albequrqe, New Mexico. This has totally eluded me the entire 9 previous chapters.

Thank you, this has been today's #evanreviews Feel free to comment.

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Killing Mr. Griffin, Chapter 9: Everybody's an Asshole #evanreview

What would happen if Quentin Tarantino took a blow to the head and started writing John Hughes-esque teen ficiton? This book, that’s what. Welcome back to Evan Reviews of Killing Mr. Griffin. The names have been changed to protect me from getting bored.

Well, we got the worst date ever last chapter, wonder what madcap adventures our heroes are in for today? El Guapo and Duckling are hanging with Snape corpse while everyone else is at the big game. Who they gonna call? Not the cops, I bet.

******BEWARE THAR BE SPOILERS********

Summary
So El Guapo and Duckling calmly assess the situation by doing the only reasonable thing: Finding the town wackjob, Rocksteady, that got them into this mess. Clearly he's the most reasonable person. Duckling has gone near catatonic and El Guapo is just nutty with thoughts of Snape corpse dancing in his head.

The two of them go to the big game. The crowd is just letting out as they search for Cordelia, Beebop and especially Rocksteady. Duckling just wants her daddy, so El Guapo leaves her to search alone. When he finds Cordelia and Rocksteady waiting for Beebop, he flat out tells them. The conversation goes thusly:

El Guapo: He's dead.
Rocksteady: Huh.
El Guapo: He's dead.
Rocksteady: Riiiiigght. Where's Duckling?
El Guapo: In the car.
Rocksteady: Don't let her escape!
El Guapo: On it, boss.

Cordelia and El Guapo go off to get to Duckling. Cordelia is freaked out as well, but Duckling scares the crap out of everyone by being calm as toast. Beebop and Rocksteady show. Rocksteady squeezes Duckling in the middle of the front seat between himself and Dave. The four of them drive to an empty parking lot and discuss how they are going to get away with manslaughter.

Everyone states reasons for what they should do. Cordelia and Beebop are concerned about their image. Rocksteady says they have alibis and will go to jail. El Guapo once again goes all Freudian about people going missing everyday. Duckling worries about little things like stains on her immortal soul.

Then they make plans for a good ole fashioned grave diggin after school. Duckling has a minor bout of having a conscious, but Rocksteady verbally talks her out of that for now.

Then they all go to the malt shop for a soda. You know, for alibi's sake.

Observations
1. I just want to go back to how dumb these kids are. Peer preasure or no, this is just off the charts goofy. Kids, if you find a body that you helped kidnap, do one of two things: Tell no one or tell the authorities. Learned that lesson from Stand by Me.
2. Good touch making Rocksteady corner Duckling in the front seat. Honestly, this is one of the most threatening things he has done and makes for a more calculating villian.
3. Rocksteady is also a smooth talking dude. Not many folks could calm a lady down with talk of your own father's burning to death.

Thank you, this has been today's #evanreviews Feel free to comment.

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Killing Mr. Griffin, Chapter 8: Wonder What They Will Find... #evanreviews

What would happen if Quentin Tarantino took a blow to the head and started writing John Hughes-esque teen ficiton? This book, that’s what. Welcome back to Evan Reviews of Killing Mr. Griffin. The names have been changed to protect me from getting bored.

When last we met, Snape was tied up in the forest and everbody was headed to the big game. Well, almost everyone... Let us return to El Guapo Romantico, already in progress.

******BEWARE THAR BE SPOILERS********

Summary
El Guapo is concerned about Duckling and attempts to make contact with her through an ancient technology called "telephone." When he is told she is not answering the phone, he borrows his mom's family truckster and goes a'callin after a very creepy conversation with his mom about how his dad liked it pretty and strange.

At the Duckling residence, El Guapo and Duckling take a drive in his mom's swank ride. They talk about the usual stuff teenagers get up to, but mostly about how they had participated in a felony. Duckling is upset that they left Snape up in the woods, but El Guapo is cool as a thing that is cool but decided to calm down someone that is not cool.

Duckling cries and that gets El Guapo a'thinking that maybe the other guys in the Killing Club are untrustworthy. The two of them decide to go up in the woods alone in the dark to release and old man tied up in the woods like to regular kids on a Saturday night. They chit chat about running away and how Snape reminds El Guapo of some fruedian thing, I forget what.

Then they get to the clearing and go to find Snape and let him go. He is fine, goes back to his wife, they raise their child and name him after El Guapo Duckling Snape to thank them from saving him. Snape becomes a better teacher, El Guapo and Duckling get married and have a great life and the other characters all get hit by a bus and then everyone lives happily ever after.

Kidding. Snape's dead.

Observations
1. El Guapo's mom's random questioning about his father is rather off putting and strange. I get that she would not like him to turn out like his no-good Pa, but dropping it in the narrative like this is odd.
2. Why the hell didn't Duckling call the cops if she was so freaked out? Of all the folks involved, she has the most to lose and the least amount of blame associated. Even if she could not flat out lie and say she as innocent, calling the cops would have cleared most of that blame completely.
3. At one point, Duckling utters the line, "I didn't mean to make such a big deal." She is referring to RELEASING A MAN SHE HELPED KIDNAP. I offcially do not give one shit about anyone in this story anymore except maybe the grandma and that is because she is one castle away from being a true Disney villian.

Thank you, this has been today's #evanreviews Feel free to comment.

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Killing Mr. Griffin, Chapter 7: Cops and Kidnappers #evanreviews

What would happen if Quentin Tarantino took a blow to the head and started writing John Hughes-esque teen ficiton? This book, that’s what. Welcome back to Evan Reviews for Chapter 7 of Killing Mr. Griffin.

The Killing Club has caught the rascal Mr. Snape and is taking him to the waterfall. Will Cordelia become a better person once she sees the helpless Mr. Snape? Will Rocksteady learn to read? The answer to none of those is below.

******BEWARE THAR BE SPOILERS********

Summary
Cordelia drives all crazy-like down the road and misses the turn to the water fall where she is supposed to meet the rest of the Killing Club. On the way up the dirt road to the waterfall, she thinks about what a bummer it was to be pulled over by a police officer (the reason she was late to the kidnapping) and is excited to get to the scene of the kidnapping. Why couldn't they have waited until she got there to do the kidnapping, she thinks. (Really).

Then we flashback to Cordelia's overprivledged youth and how she always got everything she wanted her way because she is cute and she knows it. We also learn the only people that do not seem to care if she is cute are Mr. Snape and Rocksteady. We also learn that Rocksteady's grip on people and influence travels to others beyond his peer group as he got kicked out of Snape's class last year because he convinced a college girl to steal an old paper for him. Cordelia secretly harbors a crush for The Dark One that Is Rocksteady despite dating Beebop.

At the waterfall, Betsy gets all excited at the prospect of roughing up Snape. Rocksteady taunts Snape, who is tied up but not all that bothered by the whole affair. The four of them tell Snape that they are many, they are legion, and they all want to watch him suffer and die for the way he teaches. Snape calls bullshit.

The Killing Club makes fun of him for a bit over the fact that he takes pills made from explosives. The highly intelligent captors even attempt to detonate one. Finally, they all decide to focus on Snape's college ring. When that passes, they tell him to beg. Snape says no.

Snape reminds Cordelia of the policeman and she gets all angry again. Rocksteady is all about Snape begging to be set free, so he refuses to just walk away like they agreed. Rocksteady convinces the others to leave Snape out in the wild alone and check on him after the big game that night. So that's what they do, leaving Snape lying in the dirt.

Observations
1. Is the point of the Cordelia description to make us hate the character or to hate the writing? We already got good guy El Guapo slipping his Gram a mickey last chapter, now we have to sit through some rich/cute/entitled girl's backstory?
2. I applaud the author's attempt to make our characters diverse and dark, but the shallow nature of each seem to extend beyond mere teenage self indulgence and importance and right into near sociopathic behavior. Only Duckling seems kind of immune, but she is our "soulful writer."
3. I have to applaud how Snape is written here. He almost seems in control of the situation despite being tied up. After all, he is the only adult present.
4. Are these really college seniors? Are all of them so self-absorbed that they have never noticed a relative or somebody on television take heart medication?

Thank you, this has been today's #evanreviews Feel free to comment.

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Killing Mr. Griffin, Chapter 6: Next Let’s Kick a Puppy! #evanreviews

What would happen if Quentin Tarantino took a blow to the head and started writing John Hughes-esque teen fiction? This book, that’s what. Welcome back to Evan Reviews for Chapter 6 of Killing Mr. Griffin. 

Well, it is time to get on with an old fashioned kidnappin. Will the Killing Club be able to get Mr. Snape and put him in his place? As the title suggest, probably not unless there is one hell of a twist. Read on to find out how it goes!

******BEWARE THAR BE SPOILERS********

Summary

We hear Gram Guapo's inner monoluge of disapproval as she spies on a neighbor lady. Gram quotes some scripture, then gets the shock of her life when the neighbor closes her blinds to stop the old religious hypocrite from spying. 

El Guapo shows up bouncing happy and gives her green jello. Then he handsome young man and the old lady watch some television. Turns out, El Guapo drugged the old ladies jello so he could slip out and commit his nefarious Snape-kidnapping plot.

Then we cut to Ma Cordelia as she gets a call from Cordelia. Cordelia tells Ma that she is going to the movies with Beebop and the gang and have some cake. Cut to Cordelia and we find that the voices of Beebop and Rocksteady were only a tape! Duh Duh Dum! And the cake she asks Ma if they can have? She eats some and destroys the rest! Ingenious!

El Guapo shows up at the school with Beebop and Rocksteady. The three discuss the merits of drugging the elderly before El Guapo gets in the back seat of Snape's car. Then Snape and Duckling walk out of the school. Beebop's inner monologue rambles about Cordelia and other non-interesting things.

The plan is supposed to go in these steps:

A. From the backseat, El Guapo puts a bag over Snape's head.

B. Beebop is supposed to get in the passenger side and contain Snape.

C. Rocksteady will try to hold Snape and tie him up from the driver's side.

D. Take Snape to the waterfall.

E. Get milkshakes or whatever sociopathic kids do after a felony.

The plan goes like this:

A. El Guapo puts the bag over Snape's head.

B. Beebop gets in the passenger side to hold down Snape and quotes Shakespeare.

C. They get him tied up, but Cordelia is not there with the car so they take Snape's.

D. Duckling is freaked right the hell out, but waits for Cordelia. Cordelia talks her down but Duckling will not go with her to follow the boys.

E. Duckling is freaked out that Snape called out for her to run, showing more than the monstrous self preservation she had expected.

Observations

1. Okay, kidnapping a teacher is one thing, but drugging a crazy grandma? I guess kidnapping is a gateway crime. "Already decided to kidnap Snape, might as well drug grandma, too. Hey, is dog fighting still an option?"

2. So they have cellphones, Google and DVDs, but Cordelia uses a tape recorder? I guess there was a couple of years of overlap, but even by then computers were the superior recording/playback system.

3. Interesting inclusion of Beebop's inner monologue that he actually had learned some Shakespeare from Snape.

4. Snape's car dying as they try to take it is a nice touch. Nothing like hammering home the point that something bad is going to happen. 

Thank you, this has been today's #evanreviews Feel free to comment.

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Killing Mr. Griffin, Chapter 5: Snape at Home #evanreviews

What would happen if Quentin Tarantino took a blow to the head and started writing John Hughes-esque teen ficiton? This book, that’s what. Welcome back to Evan Reviews for Chapter 5 of Killing Mr. Griffin. 

When we last left off, The Killing Club of El Guapo, Duckling, Cordelia, Rocksteady and Beebop were putting their plan to kidnap Snape into action. Did you wonder what was happening in Snape’s world, though? Me neither.

 

******BEWARE THAR BE SPOILERS********

Summary
Mrs. Snape wakes up to find her husband in the shower. We learn that she is a country girl, has little to no formal education, can probably sing ever line of "Stand By Your Man", and is more pregnant than a bunny in springtime.

We also learn that Cityboy Snape is a closed off and quiet man who left his job at university to go into public school to teach the dark art of English. Countrygirl Snape flashes back to her husband talking about giving the kids of America the "tough love" approach. Snape understands that he comes off as a horrible person but thinks that he knows what is the right way to teach young people, namely beat them over the head with learnin' till their noses bleed.

Back in the present, Snape comes in to breakfast and tells Countrygirl that he needs his plot device pills and that he will be late because of plot reasons (ironic Killing Club plan is a GO!). He also tells her that he thinks Duckling is a great writer but will not tell Duckling that because he is a dick. He does claim that he will love his own child, though.

Countrygirl then tells him to tell Duckling she is good and pat her on the head. This angers Snape and he leaves in a huff. Countrygirl feels a cry coming on and blames it on preggo hormones and not this jerk who just dismissed her. Then... Countrygirl gets a terrrrrriblllle feeeeellllllinggg and and almost calls him back. Then he does come back and wishes her a cold "love you" goodbye. Then she gives herself the "he'll be different when the baby comes, he'll be like that teacher in Mr. Holland's Opus" pep talk and we fade to ominous black.

Observations
1. Why the hell would a tenured professor at university level leave to teach high school? Especially one as socially devoid as Snape? His reasons are shotty at best, as "molding young minds" seems pretty crappy to someone as cold as this man is with students.

2. Who the hell taught this guy? His reason for not telling Duckling she is a good writer: it would make her happy and maybe give her confidence. Wouldn't that suck?

3. Snape mentioned Google. I just realized that I am reading an updated reprint of this book. Now I get the jarring feel when cellphones and other things are put in the story. Most of the writing is from the original 1978 text, and it feels like it. Had I known this was the case with the copy I got, I would have protested, but I'll deal. Updating texts with modern terms is a topic for another day, but this is really jarring and not serviceable to the story.

4. Snape will love his own child... YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, YOU DUMMY.

5. Snape reflects back on Chapter 1 when El Guapo's paper was blown away by the wind. I have to admit his thoughts about putting it in a notebook were my own. Damn, hoisted by my own snark.

6. Did Countrygirl Snape really need to a) have a premonition that something bad was going to happen and b) have characteristics of a co-dependent battered wife? Did Snape himself have to be such a jerk at home that you almost wait in breathless abandon for him to live up to the title? Just because someone is loved, does not mean they deserve it and it does not make them a better character to have character witnesses that suffer under their emotional abuse. This chapter seemed as clusmy to me as the inserts of modern tech, slapped in as a response that we did not get enough characterization of the big bad teacher.

Thank you, this has been today's #evanreviews Feel free to comment.

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