J is for Johnston, Lynn “Farley Follows His Nose”

Farley Follows His Nose by Lynn Johnston
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As reviewed by Puddin’ the Dog

So, Puddin, can you give us a summary of this work?
Ruff, rrrr. Rrrrr. Owwwwwww.
Translation: Straight from the comic series “For Better or For Worse” comes the tale of loveable dog Farley and his quest for hot dogs. I was not a fan.

Why didn’t you like it?
Rrrrrrr, rowf. Ruf. Oarrrrrr. Fmph. Ruf, rrrrrr, rrrrrumph.
Translation: This book contained many factual errors about how it feels to be a dog. The author seems to have a good grasp on how a dog behaves, but not why a dog may do what he or she does what he or she does.

Well, the first thing that happens is Farley smells hotdogs...
Oarrrumph, ruf. Pffffm. Ehhhrrrmmss. Ruf. Rrrrrr. Rrrrr, umph, ruuurrrrrrr.
Translation: Let me stop you right there. First, a dog never wants for hot dogs. While we may eat them, even seem to hunger for them, we actually smell the rodent and insect parts that we rarely see in such concentration. Dogs love rodent and insect parts and will go at any length to get them.

That’s gross, yet interesting. But you have to like playing with children, right?
Rrrrrrr. Fmph. Rrrrrr, fmph.
Translation: Dogs do like children, but not because they play with us. We steal their youth and vitality. This is why many dogs seem to pass away of old age as soon as a child grows up or moves away.

That’s pretty messed up, Puddin’. I’m kinda horrified. Let’s move on. At a construction site a trucker gives Farley a ham and cheese sandwich.
Mmmmmph. Woof. Rrrrr, arf.
Translation: Untrue.  Truckers are known for their love of turkey and not ham. While not a dog fact, a fact none the less.

Um, I don’t even want to know how you know that. In the middle of the book, Farley runs into pools, gets turned down for toasted marshmallows, and loves playing hide-and-seek. What do you think?
Rrrrrrr. Raaarrrr, mph. Rowlf.
Translation: Pools and marshmallows are a way to keep the Dog down while lifting the Man up. If Farley is down with a little hide-and-seek, I will not judge.  Don’t ask, don’t woof.

At the end, Farley leads a little boy home. What do you think of that?
Rar, woof. Rrrrrrrr, umph, rowlf. Oarrrrrr.
Translation: It goes back to the harvesting of children’s life force. Farley’s just protecting his source. Lassie used to do it all the time.

Farley finally gets home by smelling some pizza. Any thoughts?
Bark.
Translation: Bull#%*t.

Puddin’! Bad boy! We do not use that language in the library. Time to go home. Out, out you go.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

I is for Ichikawa, Satomi "Come Fly with Me"

Come Fly With Me by Satomi Ichikawa
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As read by Franklin W. Marsden, Happy Guy

Summary
Come Fly with Me is the delightful tale of Cosmos the airplane and Woggy the dog, two toys who venture out into the world to go Somewhere in Paris, France. Along the way they face the joy of the open air, the horror of storms and relief of completing a journey, all done together as a team, as friends traveling together, learning that no matter where they go or what problems they face they will... be together... Jesus, I can't do this.

I can't see the joy in this. It's a beautiful piece, a tale of friendship that is just not true. Nothing is true anymore. I... I'm addicted to Boone's Farm Blackberry Wine. I'm a Booney. There. I said it. I named the demon that has plagued my soul for years on end, the orangatang on my back that gives the world the finger. Here is the demon orangatang that cost me my family, my job, and finally all my friends. I am Woggy the dog without my Cosmos, often flying on the sweet nectar in a storm with nothing to hold me.

I discovered Boone's Farm Blackberry Wine as a young man in the woods behind my house. My friend and I had been fishing in Old Man Jenson's pond and were coming back with a basket full of catfish. Then we saw it, that tall bottle sitting in the summer shade, one stray shaft of sunlight glinting off the screw on cap. My friend, Roger, he had been the one to suggest that we drink it. I did not fight him. We took that bottle down to the creek and began taking our first sips toward destiny.

Soon we were both sitting there, light headed and giggling. When I went to reach for the bottle, Roger withheld it. He said I had had too much, that the last sips were for him. But I wanted it. I wanted it so bad. My precious Boone's Farm Blackberry Wine. I told him I should have it, it was the anniversary of when I lost my first tooth. I even showed him the purple stained adult tooth that had grown in over the year. He did not give me the bottle, though.

I buried Roger next to that creek. I cried, not for the loss of my friend and my innocence, but for the time wasted not being wasted on my precious BFBW.

Everyone thinks I am the "Happy Guy". It is just the wine talking. Well, the wine and the murderlust that is sated by killing criminals for their Boone's Farm Black Berry Wine. I take comfort that I have used my pain to rid the world of filth like me.

So anyway, read "Come Fly with Me." You will enjoy it.

Um... Thanks, Franklin?

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

G is for Gauthier, Bertrand “Zachary in The Present”

Zachary in the Present by Bertrand Gauthier
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As read by Tina Smith, Age 6


Summary
Zachary is a little boy that lives with his daddy but not his mommy and and and... He gets a present. The present is an Ipod that’s old that runs on tape but it’s not sticky and has a podcast of his mommy on it and she tells him she loves him and he finds the present on his pillow not on his floor and his room is messy because he is a boy and boys are gross like that.

My momma told me that Zachary is not real and that’s why he’s in a book but I think he is real because he has a mommy and daddy and everybody that’s real has a mommy and daddy even if they don’t live together any more. My daddy doesn’t live with us but he brings me stuff like my sticker book that I love love love. Sometimes I go to stay with him and Jennifer and they give me stickers and we go to eat at McDonald’s and I get a happy meal and I get to keep the toy. Zachary’s a boy and that’s why his hair’s messy.

I think this book is weird cause there’s writing on the pictures and the bottom of the pictures and that’s messy but that’s okay cause Zachary’s a boy and it can be messy. These pictures don’t look like the one’s my daddy reads and those are really pretty and have Spider-man on them and he jumps around a lot on tall buildings and webs people up and makes my daddy smile. I like Spider-man, except I wish he would take off the mask cause he’s silly as a bald man. I don’t wanna be a Spider-man when I grow up, but, but maybe Zachary will and I want to be a scientist cause they make stuff that lets people do stuff and I like that.

Why was it banned?
My momma says that some people don’t like people that only live with their mommy or daddy but I think that’s silly. I get two bedrooms and two beds and my momma’s bed and my daddy’s bed and Jennifer’s nice to me. Sometimes I think people are mean just because they can’t have two houses and two beds and are just jealous of people who do. Maybe they don’t think the Easter Bunny will go to the right one but Momma says he always knows and you just have to have faith so that’s what I do and he brings me stickers. I like stickers a lot.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

F is for Frazier, Craig “Bee & Bird”

Bee & Bird by Craig Frazier
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As reviewed by Jerry the Minimalist

Summary
A graphic designer visually tells the tale of a bird and a bee on a trip.

The visual style was as breathtaking as simple shapes can be. The lack of words first scared, then thrilled me. I live by my words, you know.

In my opinion, the bird should have gotten top billing as this is his book.

Why was it banned?
I could see the blind having a problem being discriminated against, but that’s dumb and did not happen here. If a place ever banned this, they would have to be bitten by a radioactive crazy person to become Super Crazy Person, Defender of Weak Bullshit.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

E is for Ehlert, Lois “Planting a Rainbow”

Planting a Rainbow by Lois Ehlert
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As reviewed by a Friend of the Library and co-head of the Bannville Ladies Auxillary, Betsy Farmer


Summary
Oh, my goodness gracious, this book is the cutest thing in the whole wide world of sports, y’all! It’s all about this little girl that plants flowers with her mama and calls them rainbows cause of all the colors! Can you believe it? I almost cried because it was just like the time my mom took me to the Wal-Mart garden center and left me there to shop for three whole days til they got tired of me naming all the flowers and took me home. They let me keep my rose bush, Petunia.

Speaking of names, let me tell you all the gardening lingo you can pick up from this little pint-sized masterpiece. Your kids will be excited to learn words like “rhizome” and “tulip” as well as all the colors of God’s rainbow! I mean, I guess they would, I don’t have kids myself on account of the tumors, but it’s just wonderful to look upon.

The art in the book is what some would call “minimalist.” At least that’s what we call it in my studio downtown (Happy Artifacts, 325 Second St, right in the heart of Bannville, MS, come and see our Daisy Nights exhibition next week!), and what they taught me in that art class I took down at the Polytechnic. All these pictures are just so colorful! Makes me wanna run through the sprinklers!

Why was it banned?
I don’t know why anyone would want to deprive themselves and others of such a magical text. Well, I guess if your mother was dead and all it might be upsetting, but then who would tell you to read it while she went in the other room and took her happy medicine? It’s always better to read than watch the devil’s box, that’s what my mama said. I guess there might be something in there with a gay agenda, too, but that’s just silly billy talk cause this is about gardening with your mama, not the wonderful feel of another woman’s skin pressed against yours after a late study session at the Polytechnic. Um, I might need to pray about this book.

Thanks, Betsy!

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

D is for Duncan, Lois “Song of the Circus”

Song of the Circus by Lois Duncan

D is for Duncan, Lois “Song of the Circus”
Reviewed by Evan Banned

Summary
The reader is introduced to the world of the circus, a magical place filled with a myriad of complex and interesting characters. As the story progresses, two children must face a most ferocious beast and prove that carny children are both creepy and weird.

The descriptions and illustrations help to bring the world of the circus alive with a child’s view. The words are in poetic verse, as the title suggests, simple and filled with whimsy and fun. The illustrations are fashioned as a child would fashion them, with odd angles and disproportionate bodies that give an innocence to the work and the atmosphere it creates.

The characters are not very fleshed out as we are given only the briefest of introductions before the story begins revving towards the climax. The protagonists of the story are given very little to do, making their sudden turn to heroics wholly unbelievable. What makes this story even more unbelievable are the introductions so late in the story of plot centric characters such as the Bareback Riders and the Fat Lady’s elephant.

The message of the story is a simplified telling of William Blake’s Songs of Innocence and Experience with a circus background. The models of childhood and the tiger are clearly taken directly from Blake’s work, yet given a hero’s slant as a confrontation with the tiger (i.e. adulthood, experience) have the children ban together and triumph, giving the clear message that carny children never grow up. I can get behind this.

As in the other book I reviewed by Duncan, Killing Mr. Griffin, the author has retained the same writing style, albeit in verse form. The structure is the same, with introduction to characters followed by action and resolution, yet the pace is daunting. Duncan also does not trust the reader, giving exposition on each page rather than simply in each chapter as she did in Griffin. As this book has significantly less pages, this can be forgiven. Also, I liked the art. It was kinda cool and stuff.

Why was this book banned?
I am not sure is there has ever been any formal efforts to ban this work, but it does have to children overcoming a tiger by shouting at it so that’s not a very good life lesson. Also, there’s scatalogical humor. Poop. Heh.

C is for Charleton, Nancy Lee “Derek’s Dog Days”

Derek's Dog Days by Nancy Lee Charlton
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

As read by Barry and Garry, Illiterate Twin Man Children

Barry’s summary:
On the first couple of pages you got this cat on a couch getting scared by a kid because he thinks the kid’s gonna, I dun know, pull his hair out with tweezers or something. Which you should not do to cats cause they bite. Anyway, there’s this picture of this dumbass kid that looks like the time Garry peed on Grampa’s electric fence, all “Blaaaaeeeerrrrrggggg.” Haha.

Then... what the hell, this kid’s eatin a shoe. Who does that? And it looks like he’s got bodies stuffed in his nightstand. Now he’s lickin the floor and taking poops outside? What kinda sick book you got me reading fella? Holy crap, he’s naked. This is some kinda trap, right? Look, I know I clicked on that picture on the ‘puter but I didn’t mean to and I seen on the TV that you can’t trap me like this. I’m done, I’m never reading a book again!

Garry’s summary:
There’s a dog on a couch with a door open. The dog is on the couch and spooked and the kid is sticking his head out the door. The kid, at least I think it’s a kid, has a tail and is howling at the moon. There’s a shocked little boy that’s a werewolf or a dog from earlier. It’s also in watercolor.

Child on a bed, crayon pictures of dogs, one looks like Spud Mackinzie eating a penis. Child has no sense of perspective. Has a lamp of spotted dog. Whole dog theme. It looks like there’s a femer in his bed side table. And he’s eating a shoe, not sure if that’s manic insanity or werewolfism. Crazy shoe chewing child is running around a hallway on all fours with his butt out. I think he’s sexually abused or a dog person. Dog from earlier is clearly running in terror. It’s not a dog, though it looks like a cat or a fox, so I’m calling it a cog. Or a dat.

The crazy wolf child is drooling all over the floor and the cog is staring at him in shock and terror. I am fascinated by this child. His pajamas have turned red, leading to possession or the devil. He’s digging, but it looks like dirty mashed potatoes piled on a bunch of stuff that he sacrificed to Lord Satan. Next page, the child is now naked and shaking. He’s either a)drying himself off like a dog or... I don’t have anything. I bet the cat/dog monster dumped water on him to fix his werewolfism.

The child is dead. He is on his back while people stare at him. Wait, no, not dead, just dreaming he’s a mutant dog freak running through the woods with stray feral dogs looking to hunt down the blood of the innocent or others to convert to their dog cult. He is now wearing clothes with, ooooo, a lunch box with a bow tie. He looks like that Problem Child kid but in the second movie. He don’t look right. He looks shocked, like he’s pretending to be straight. I bet he’s been beaten. He’s now with other kids, dancing in a circle and has a evil grin. I bet he’s convinced them all to join his dog cult. I’m pretty sure these kids are supposed to be ethnic, that girls definitely Hispanic.

Now he is standing in front of a chalkboard where he has written “Derek Dog” and he has either a) killed and/or dominated the teacher or 2) is turning the dog cult into a city street gang and “Derek Dog” will be his street name, his tag if you will. He is now standing in a blob of tie dye holding up sharp fingers surrounded by the numbers one through six. I think this has all been a rabies fever dream and now he is “Derek Dog, Grand Hippie Wizard of the Dog Cult.” Now he’s running through a field with flags with a look of madness. One flag seems to be tortured, the next is a rainbow which means love knows no bounds cause love has no gender. He’s on his bicycle and his mouth is all cat-like, domineering as though he is looking down at his subjects. The fever either has taken him or he’s really taken over with his demon witch powers.

He’s now in the hospital, or got pajamas from somewhere, while he’s stroking the cat/dog fox thing that looks terrified, which may be some type of animal erotic rape. Now he’s wearing a plaid shirt, possibly sent out in the woods to become a lumberjack and drink pure bacon grease and maple syrup. Now he’s flashing the cat/dog/fox thing after becoming the king of the lumberjacks and showing his... parts to the world as is his nature.

He’s in bed, but there’s the liquid... I bet that’s his drugs that the parents slipped him when they sent him out in the woods. The parents are running because I would too if my son was either a demonic witch king of the lumberjacks or a rabid exhibitionist.

Finally he is in a chair and seems to be aware I am here, or at least the words are. This scares me. Crap, he just popped out from under a table and scared the shit out of the cat/dog/fox thing. I know he had his way with it by the lecherous look. It looks fucking terrified. And he’s back in plaid. He wasn’t a lumberjack, he was still in the gang! The meds didn’t work. That cat/dog/fox thing is his bitch.

We cut back to the cat/dog/fox thing on the couch terrified. The door is shut now, which means evil could be lurking anywhere. The back cover has a hidden conclusion they didn’t want you to think about. It’s pretty messed up shit. He’s taken a piece of cardboard and put his head through it and is terrifying a small dog. That dog looks stupid.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.