Z is for Zenz, Aaron "The Hiccupotamus"

The Hiccupotamus by Aaron Zenz
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Summary
A hippopotamus gets the hiccups and his "friends" decided to help him out.

I can only start this review with one question: If a hippopotamus got hiccups, who would give more than two shits? After much research (AKA, repeated viewings of the movie Congo) I have found that hippopotami are complete and total assholes. The first half of this book proves this point as the hippopotamus (from the latin "monster douche"), runs from friend to friend disturbing their lifestyles to the point that they must solve the problem or perish.

The elephant, centipede, and rhinoceros (yeah, you just read that right) all start attempting various cures from scaring and wrapping him with licorice and spinning him around. Cause that happens in a jungle. At one point, it seems they also secure the talents of a damn American buffalo, tie the hippo to him, then I guess they just jump around. There’s also a bit with vinegar that I do not understand.

I am going to let you folks into a little secret: This month might as well have broken me like a dry twig on a cold winter night. Children’s books sounded so fun. What could be more fun and easy than reviewing motherpunking picture books? Yeah, if I had only known. I feel like the next time I am forced to do a story time I am going to start yelling at the children how their culture is disintegrating. This book had a buffalo with a hippo tied to his back. Those creatures do not even exist together in god’s creation outside of mankind’s animal jails that are zoos. I am going to drop some truth bombs on these little sons of bitches and they will not see it coming. This month is going to make children cry. I hope you are happy, A to Z challenge. Bless.

Oh, and the art’s pretty fun to look at.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

Y is for Young, Ed “Lon Po Po”

Lon Po Po by Ed Young
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Summary
Three children are left alone at night so they murder a talking wolf.

I can only surmise that the setting of this book is supposed to be Narnia due to the talking animal. This takes me right out of the story as I do not believe in talking animals or locations where they exist. I find the entire notion ridiculous.

The characters are shallow adaptations of classic fairy tales, in this case an amalgamation of Red Riding Hood. We are told much about each character, only to then have that trait shown. The best example of this is when the “clever” oldest child murders the talking wolf by tricking him.

This story is supposed to be a tale about not trusting strangers, but it comes off as a horrible murder tale. At no point are we given evidence that the wolf wishes the children any harm. Sure, he notices how plump and sweet they are, but so does my grandma and I doubt she’s gonna kill me any time soon. No doubt cause I can take her, but I digress. In fact, when the wolf is invited in the house, he hangs out with them, crawls in bed with them, even talks to them. This poor lonely bastard was just looking for warmth and immortality and these crazy children killed him for it.

So what do we learn from this book? Don’t go asking for help when kids parents are away. The children will go all Home Alone and kill you.

I will give this book high marks for the watercolor art design. Each page floats by in a dream state of color and emotion. The picture of the wolf in the sheet outside the house is just unsettling. The images are beautiful renditions of classic Chinese art, too bad the words got in the way.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

X is for X-Men

So... um... awkward... I could not find a children’s book with “X” in the title to review so I’m just going to use this post to push our sister blog, Penultimate Issues, on you. It’s run by a great friend of mine and wonderful reviewer of all things comics. You should go there right now and read it!

 Below is everything I can remember right now about the X-Men!


Characters
Wolverine
Angel
Cyclopes

Gambler
Blue Fur Guy
Icicle Boy
Demon Guy
Steel Dude
Hot Chick
Spandex Lady
Mrs. Boobs
Metal Control Man
Fireman
Steve

Story
The story revolves around a bunch of X-Men and their fight to not be oppressed and stuff. They are really good at doing this because they have magical powers. Sometimes they have to fight people with other magical powers and there’s always some problem with time travel. Think Days of Our Lives meets Terminator.

I’m just kidding. You should read the X-Men comics, especially anything written by Chris Claremont. And check out Penultimate Issues (www.pissues.com)! Marc’s doing a great job over there and deserves respect!

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

W is for Ward, Helen “The Dragon Machine”

The Dragon Machine by Helen Ward
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Summary
George is a little boy who is lonely until he starts seeing dragons everywhere. When the dragons become a problem, he builds a machine to take them home to the wilderness.

The art is okay, but the story and characters make up for it only because they bring to mind a story. I want to tell you that story.

Once there was a little boy named Evan. Evan had a very active imagination. He made up little men, kinda the size of the Brownies (picture here played by Kevin Pollack and Rick Overton) from the movie Willow. These Brownies had no names, but they acted out every movie that Evan saw, every book Evan read. The Brownies drove time machines, rode horses, fought Dracula, and solved mysteries. Over time, the Brownies moved out of these pre-formed plotlines and acted on their own. Evan wrote down what they did, laughed at their jokes and was upset when one of them was hurt or died (as the plot required).

The problem came when the Brownies started to show up when Evan did not think about them. This was most horrible when it happened at church, because Evan would not pay attention to the preacher and would get into trouble. He could not explain to his parents about the Brownies because that was silly. As Evan grew up he made a decision and abandoned the Brownies. They would attempt to crawl back in his mind at church, but he would not write down their stories or even pay attention to what they did. The preacher and his stories about God were the only stories that mattered. The Brownies were a distraction and the devil sent distractions, the preacher said. Evan devoted his mind to the church and the baptismal waters washed away the Brownies for good.

A while later, Evan got in an accident. Nothing serious, but he started questioning. Why did God let that happen? Why did God let anything bad happen, particularly in His name? The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, slavery: all done in one god’s name or another. Evan started to think that maybe God was just as made up as all his little Brownie friends. If that was true, maybe his little Brownies were not so bad after all. So he called them back.

But the Brownies would not come back. Evan had pushed them away, far back in his mind and they would not tell him wonderful stories anymore. Evan tried and tried, reading more and watching more and looking for the types of stories his Brownie friends had made for him, but he could not find them inside or out. Then Evan just started writing and writing, hoping to make what he had lost. He has found some peace in the writing, but everyday he reads and watches and writes, always looking for his little Brownie friends to tell him one last great story.

Thanks.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

V is for Van Dusen, Chris “King Hugo’s Huge Ego”

King Hugo's Huge Ego by Chris Van Dusen
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

There’s really three things I can use to judge this book: art, story, and characters. Let’s do this.

The art of King Hugo’s Huge Ego is charming. I get the feeling of Disney animation with these drawings and colors, shapes varying and landscapes that are pretty. It’s really pretty book thing.

The story in the book is bland. An aesop about a witch who curses a king, you have all read this before. What is particularly saddening is the quick turn at the end where everybody feels bad, falls in love and lives happily ever after. I would have burned the mother down.

The characters are two dimensional and do not behave like real people. They are dumb. The sorceress does not look like a witch. That was dumb.

This has been five minute reviews. Thank you.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

U is for Urban, Linda “Mouse Was Mad”

Mouse Was Mad by Linda Urban


Comparing Linda Urban’s Mouse Was Mad To James Joyce’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

While not similar in achievement or merit, the children’s picture book Mouse Was Mad does bear a striking resemblance to the classic Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Each book gives a journey of its protagonist from simple id to a creative being knowledgeable of both self and his environment.

You are actually reading this?

Both the Mouse and the Artist start off in states of pure id, one mad and the other a baby. The simple actions and language give voice to the protagonist, yet it is a voice he does not understand. By expressing himself, he only draws the attention of those around him, often disappointed as he attempts to mimic.

You must be some kind of masochist. Please get help.

A cycle of achievement, failure and learning begins to plague both characters. The Artist goes through a series of missteps wherein at first he thinks he is excelling, yet then learns others are looking down on him. The Mouse suffers the same mistake, each time attempting a new medium of expression only to be dumped in a puddle by its master.

All the way to here, huh? Okay.  Your boring-ass funeral, pal.

At the end, both the Mouse and the Artist find that their true expression is to simply be. The mouse stands still, at the same time attracting, confusing and causing imitation by his contemporaries. The Artist does... something, I forget what but I am sure it is like that, being an artist and finding solace in something.


Whatever. 


Go outside, there are better things to do than read this drivel. If you are reading this at work, quit your job. It obviously means very little if you are reading this instead of doing whatever you are supposed to be doing. Hell, why am I still here? I have better things to do. I just got Mr. Show: The Complete Collection on DVD. Could be watching that. Am I? Nope, doing this for the 24th straight day in a row. That’s right, 24. I did reviews of letters of the alphabet I made up just so I could review things on Sunday. Then, I did not post them because I could not find books to review based on my made up letters because I made them up. Irony, your name is irony. I wonder if it’s legal to name a baby “irony.” Or “ironic.” What’s your kid’s name?, they’d ask. That’s Ironic, I’d say. Silly me.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

T is for Taback, Simms “This is the House That Jack Built”

This is the House that Jack Built by Simms Taback
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is the House that Jack Built that was in the community that was where the Wal-Mart that sells the pesticide that kills the bugs feeding on the crops of the poor farmer appealing to the government bureaucrat that wrote rejection letter for the form for funding for the library where librarian who dates the dog catcher that used the tranquilizer that put down the monkey owned by the pimp that will kill the two-bit crackhead having blackmail sex with mayor of Bannville who directed the police department to look for the homeless man who murdered the dog ugly bastard that hates the crazy cat lady that wants to kill the rat bastard that chose to do the cheesy review of This is the House that Jack Built.

The drawings in this book are okay.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.