L is for Lyon, George Ella “Trucks Roll!”

Trucks Roll! by George Ella Lyon
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As read by Frank “Five Fists” Fingerman, Long Haul Trucker

I read this book to my daughter before going out for another haul and just found it a delightful read. My little Baby Fist, that’s her handle “Baby Fist,” she thought I was just the coolest person in the whole world after reading this book about what her daddy does, but what the hell does she know, she’s six, right? This colorful book of lies does to trucking what Lord of the Rings did to hiking. Yeah, it’s cool and all, but that just ain’t the way it goes.

The following are factual inaccuracies I found in “Trucks Roll!”

- While trucks do have trailers and cabs, but it is very dangerous the way they show them truckers transporting rabbits and labs. You just can’t have a labrador hanging out the back of your trailer, people.
- I don’t know what kind of school these people went to, but you just can’t have a giant spout hooked to a giant bathtub filled with giant apples trolling down the highway. Just ain’t safe.
- The twisty road they depict does not have any type of sand trap to slow down a runaway haul.
- Even if you could bake a cookie large enough to drive on a covered wagon, those things would just be unsanitary to have in the open air like that.
- I’m not even going to go into how that puzzle would stay together like that in the box.
- Air horns don’t go “beep” no matter how deep they are. I always thought it was more of a “honk.” That may be a personal choice.
- While we may stop at gas stations, we use diesel. Gasoline just ain’t good in the rig.
- I don’t want to give anyone the illusion that truckers drive “rolling dreams.” I’ve always thought of rigs as “fart boxes.”

Thanks, Five Fists!

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

K is for Kimmel, Eric A. “The Three Little Tamales”

The Three Little Tamales by Eric A. Kimmel
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As read by The Rojo Fairy

Hello, boys and girls! I’m the Rojo Fairy, or “Red” Fairy, and I’m here to tell you about the most wonderfullest story I have ever read. The Three Little Tamales is an amusing retelling of the classic Three Little Pigs story with a Latino twist, or “gimmick”. Can you boys and girls say “gimmick”? I knew you could. Let’s see what this story has in store for us. He-he.

We start our tale in the “taqueria of Tio Jose and Tia Lupe.” In English, that translates to “McDonald’s of Uncle Joe and Aunt Rebecca.” Within this taqueria lives three tamales, which are what the French call “taco wraps.” The three tamales run away, each finding a new place to stay including sagebrush, corn, and a cactus. All of these plants are indigenous (can you say “indigenous”?) to the land known as “Mexico,” where all food talks.

One day along comes Senor Lobo, the Big Bad Wolf. “Senor” in spanish means “mister” and lobo”means “wolf,” which means his name is “Mister Wolf, the Big Bad Wolf.” When I knew him, we just called him BBW, but then he had all that trouble with the pigs and moved across the border. We’ll always have that last night in Tijuana, I guess.

Anyway, so BBW comes along and he’s all rough and tough and wants him some food, even though it probably spoiled in the sun, but I guess because it’s living he’s okay with that. Hey, boys and girls, can you say “carrion eater” in Spanish? Me neither.

So the jerk huffs and puffs and blows down the first two tamales houses. Same old schtick. “Schtick” means “something you do over and over again like leaving a fairy alone in a foreign land after a night of passion and never calling her again.” Why do I always go after the bad wolfs? Can you say “daddy issues,” boys and girls? I can.

So he goes after the tamales in the cactus and they defeat him. Actually, they try to roast him alive, which is more than that sad bast- Oh, Right! Boys and girls, the mean old wolf is beaten by the tamales and they all live happily ever after.

Wasn’t that a wonderful story?! Goodbye, little ones! May your lives be glorious!

Thanks, Rojo Fairy! Where do I find these people? I have to get more normal reviewers... Half of them don’t even say if the book is good or not. Weirdos.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

J is for Johnston, Lynn “Farley Follows His Nose”

Farley Follows His Nose by Lynn Johnston
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As reviewed by Puddin’ the Dog

So, Puddin, can you give us a summary of this work?
Ruff, rrrr. Rrrrr. Owwwwwww.
Translation: Straight from the comic series “For Better or For Worse” comes the tale of loveable dog Farley and his quest for hot dogs. I was not a fan.

Why didn’t you like it?
Rrrrrrr, rowf. Ruf. Oarrrrrr. Fmph. Ruf, rrrrrr, rrrrrumph.
Translation: This book contained many factual errors about how it feels to be a dog. The author seems to have a good grasp on how a dog behaves, but not why a dog may do what he or she does what he or she does.

Well, the first thing that happens is Farley smells hotdogs...
Oarrrumph, ruf. Pffffm. Ehhhrrrmmss. Ruf. Rrrrrr. Rrrrr, umph, ruuurrrrrrr.
Translation: Let me stop you right there. First, a dog never wants for hot dogs. While we may eat them, even seem to hunger for them, we actually smell the rodent and insect parts that we rarely see in such concentration. Dogs love rodent and insect parts and will go at any length to get them.

That’s gross, yet interesting. But you have to like playing with children, right?
Rrrrrrr. Fmph. Rrrrrr, fmph.
Translation: Dogs do like children, but not because they play with us. We steal their youth and vitality. This is why many dogs seem to pass away of old age as soon as a child grows up or moves away.

That’s pretty messed up, Puddin’. I’m kinda horrified. Let’s move on. At a construction site a trucker gives Farley a ham and cheese sandwich.
Mmmmmph. Woof. Rrrrr, arf.
Translation: Untrue.  Truckers are known for their love of turkey and not ham. While not a dog fact, a fact none the less.

Um, I don’t even want to know how you know that. In the middle of the book, Farley runs into pools, gets turned down for toasted marshmallows, and loves playing hide-and-seek. What do you think?
Rrrrrrr. Raaarrrr, mph. Rowlf.
Translation: Pools and marshmallows are a way to keep the Dog down while lifting the Man up. If Farley is down with a little hide-and-seek, I will not judge.  Don’t ask, don’t woof.

At the end, Farley leads a little boy home. What do you think of that?
Rar, woof. Rrrrrrrr, umph, rowlf. Oarrrrrr.
Translation: It goes back to the harvesting of children’s life force. Farley’s just protecting his source. Lassie used to do it all the time.

Farley finally gets home by smelling some pizza. Any thoughts?
Bark.
Translation: Bull#%*t.

Puddin’! Bad boy! We do not use that language in the library. Time to go home. Out, out you go.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

I is for Ichikawa, Satomi "Come Fly with Me"

Come Fly With Me by Satomi Ichikawa
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As read by Franklin W. Marsden, Happy Guy

Summary
Come Fly with Me is the delightful tale of Cosmos the airplane and Woggy the dog, two toys who venture out into the world to go Somewhere in Paris, France. Along the way they face the joy of the open air, the horror of storms and relief of completing a journey, all done together as a team, as friends traveling together, learning that no matter where they go or what problems they face they will... be together... Jesus, I can't do this.

I can't see the joy in this. It's a beautiful piece, a tale of friendship that is just not true. Nothing is true anymore. I... I'm addicted to Boone's Farm Blackberry Wine. I'm a Booney. There. I said it. I named the demon that has plagued my soul for years on end, the orangatang on my back that gives the world the finger. Here is the demon orangatang that cost me my family, my job, and finally all my friends. I am Woggy the dog without my Cosmos, often flying on the sweet nectar in a storm with nothing to hold me.

I discovered Boone's Farm Blackberry Wine as a young man in the woods behind my house. My friend and I had been fishing in Old Man Jenson's pond and were coming back with a basket full of catfish. Then we saw it, that tall bottle sitting in the summer shade, one stray shaft of sunlight glinting off the screw on cap. My friend, Roger, he had been the one to suggest that we drink it. I did not fight him. We took that bottle down to the creek and began taking our first sips toward destiny.

Soon we were both sitting there, light headed and giggling. When I went to reach for the bottle, Roger withheld it. He said I had had too much, that the last sips were for him. But I wanted it. I wanted it so bad. My precious Boone's Farm Blackberry Wine. I told him I should have it, it was the anniversary of when I lost my first tooth. I even showed him the purple stained adult tooth that had grown in over the year. He did not give me the bottle, though.

I buried Roger next to that creek. I cried, not for the loss of my friend and my innocence, but for the time wasted not being wasted on my precious BFBW.

Everyone thinks I am the "Happy Guy". It is just the wine talking. Well, the wine and the murderlust that is sated by killing criminals for their Boone's Farm Black Berry Wine. I take comfort that I have used my pain to rid the world of filth like me.

So anyway, read "Come Fly with Me." You will enjoy it.

Um... Thanks, Franklin?

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

G is for Gauthier, Bertrand “Zachary in The Present”

Zachary in the Present by Bertrand Gauthier
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As read by Tina Smith, Age 6


Summary
Zachary is a little boy that lives with his daddy but not his mommy and and and... He gets a present. The present is an Ipod that’s old that runs on tape but it’s not sticky and has a podcast of his mommy on it and she tells him she loves him and he finds the present on his pillow not on his floor and his room is messy because he is a boy and boys are gross like that.

My momma told me that Zachary is not real and that’s why he’s in a book but I think he is real because he has a mommy and daddy and everybody that’s real has a mommy and daddy even if they don’t live together any more. My daddy doesn’t live with us but he brings me stuff like my sticker book that I love love love. Sometimes I go to stay with him and Jennifer and they give me stickers and we go to eat at McDonald’s and I get a happy meal and I get to keep the toy. Zachary’s a boy and that’s why his hair’s messy.

I think this book is weird cause there’s writing on the pictures and the bottom of the pictures and that’s messy but that’s okay cause Zachary’s a boy and it can be messy. These pictures don’t look like the one’s my daddy reads and those are really pretty and have Spider-man on them and he jumps around a lot on tall buildings and webs people up and makes my daddy smile. I like Spider-man, except I wish he would take off the mask cause he’s silly as a bald man. I don’t wanna be a Spider-man when I grow up, but, but maybe Zachary will and I want to be a scientist cause they make stuff that lets people do stuff and I like that.

Why was it banned?
My momma says that some people don’t like people that only live with their mommy or daddy but I think that’s silly. I get two bedrooms and two beds and my momma’s bed and my daddy’s bed and Jennifer’s nice to me. Sometimes I think people are mean just because they can’t have two houses and two beds and are just jealous of people who do. Maybe they don’t think the Easter Bunny will go to the right one but Momma says he always knows and you just have to have faith so that’s what I do and he brings me stickers. I like stickers a lot.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

F is for Frazier, Craig “Bee & Bird”

Bee & Bird by Craig Frazier
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As reviewed by Jerry the Minimalist

Summary
A graphic designer visually tells the tale of a bird and a bee on a trip.

The visual style was as breathtaking as simple shapes can be. The lack of words first scared, then thrilled me. I live by my words, you know.

In my opinion, the bird should have gotten top billing as this is his book.

Why was it banned?
I could see the blind having a problem being discriminated against, but that’s dumb and did not happen here. If a place ever banned this, they would have to be bitten by a radioactive crazy person to become Super Crazy Person, Defender of Weak Bullshit.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

E is for Ehlert, Lois “Planting a Rainbow”

Planting a Rainbow by Lois Ehlert
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As reviewed by a Friend of the Library and co-head of the Bannville Ladies Auxillary, Betsy Farmer


Summary
Oh, my goodness gracious, this book is the cutest thing in the whole wide world of sports, y’all! It’s all about this little girl that plants flowers with her mama and calls them rainbows cause of all the colors! Can you believe it? I almost cried because it was just like the time my mom took me to the Wal-Mart garden center and left me there to shop for three whole days til they got tired of me naming all the flowers and took me home. They let me keep my rose bush, Petunia.

Speaking of names, let me tell you all the gardening lingo you can pick up from this little pint-sized masterpiece. Your kids will be excited to learn words like “rhizome” and “tulip” as well as all the colors of God’s rainbow! I mean, I guess they would, I don’t have kids myself on account of the tumors, but it’s just wonderful to look upon.

The art in the book is what some would call “minimalist.” At least that’s what we call it in my studio downtown (Happy Artifacts, 325 Second St, right in the heart of Bannville, MS, come and see our Daisy Nights exhibition next week!), and what they taught me in that art class I took down at the Polytechnic. All these pictures are just so colorful! Makes me wanna run through the sprinklers!

Why was it banned?
I don’t know why anyone would want to deprive themselves and others of such a magical text. Well, I guess if your mother was dead and all it might be upsetting, but then who would tell you to read it while she went in the other room and took her happy medicine? It’s always better to read than watch the devil’s box, that’s what my mama said. I guess there might be something in there with a gay agenda, too, but that’s just silly billy talk cause this is about gardening with your mama, not the wonderful feel of another woman’s skin pressed against yours after a late study session at the Polytechnic. Um, I might need to pray about this book.

Thanks, Betsy!

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.