Q is for “Quiet, Wyatt!” by Bill Maynard

Quiet, Wyatt! by Bill Maynard
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As reviewed by A Guy Who Has Not Had a Cigarette All Day And Really Really Really Hates, Well, Everything

Summary
This story is about a kid. Nobody likes him, then he saves a puppy and for some reason everybody likes him.

This book is giving an unrealistic image of life to children. If everyone hates you, then that’s just the way it is going to be. You may find happiness in one thing, one great thing that makes you happy and makes you feel good and lets you walk outside of the job you got shoveled into for a miserable 15 minutes every couple of hours then boom! They will take that thing away cause some people think that by being near you they themselves will lose happiness if you are happy. Everyone is a bunch of horrible monsters.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, he saves a puppy! That’s really freakin cute. Shows the kid is not a horrible monster. Great. That’s the best most of us will live up to: not being a horrible monster. Good job. Now every kid that reads this will put animals into harmful situations and expect to be rewarded for speaking up. Some of those kids won’t succeed, though. Little Puddin’ might get run the hell over.

Then the kid runs away from home. Gets into prostitution. Gets crabs. And nobody will give a crap until he starts smoking then they beat that kid until he does not care about anything anymore.  Metaphorically.

Jesus, now the guy three doors down from me is smoking in his bedroom. Camels. Touche, universe.

Thanks, um... Non-Cigarette Smoking Man

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

P is for Pinkwater, Daniel “Dancing Larry”

Dancing Larry by Daniel Pinkwater
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As read by Someone with No Time on His Hands

Summary
A bear dances and in the end, puts on a show. What? Don’t look at me like that. It’s what happens. I can’t be cute all the time, I’m late for work. Fine. His name’s Larry. That’s all this book is about.

Why was it banned?
Probably was not, although it maybe if we keep coddling our children. I can see a world where people are afraid books will convince people that bears are nice. Like this lady:

Some people just need out of the equation folks. This earth is too small for the idiotic to rule it.

What is the moral?
Love thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is a polar bear then take that thing down. Or move. Probably move, it’s not like the polar bear got up enough equity to come to where you are. Your dumbass probably went to him, which means you deserve what you get.

How do I teach this?
Slowly.

What other lessons can come from this book?
What? Love of country.  What the hell?  This is ridiculous. Why am I being asked these questions? Where am I?

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

O is for O’Neill, Mary “The Sound of Day, The Sound of Night”

The Sound of Day, the Sound of Night by Mary O'Neill
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As reviewed by Dennis The Baker

Summary
You want a summary? Here ya go: This book’s nothing but the onomatopoeic ramblings of a mind cursed with synesthesia while drinking mountain lightning from a jug laced with LSD. The shift from day to night is almost as absurd as the tonal shifts from sound to sound, like a chicken in an ass-kicking contest hosted by KFC.

The narrative is almost as nonexistent as Bigfoot riding the Loch Ness Monster from an Illuminati meeting to an all night kegger with the friend of a friend who saw somebody die from mixing pop rocks and Coke. Each page reads like a Speak-and-Spell with Tourette Syndrome where the illustrator bet the author she could not find three things wrong with each picture. The only thing that changes in this piece is the position of the sun in the sky.

And speaking of changing, imagine yourself in a world where a set of characters live that make Pooh Corner look like Stalingrad after the war. The blandness of how each comes across only brings helpful visions of rooms of men staring a walls expectantly waiting for the paint to melt so they would have something to do with their pathetic lives. This family is either the beginning of the most boring cult of all time or an example as to how the American family was dreamed up when our country was founded by a Revolutionary soldier that took one too many musket balls to the head.

Hallelujah, where’s the pie?!

Thanks, Dennis!


Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

N is for Newman, Barbara Johansen “Tex & Sugar: A Big City Kitty Ditty”

Tex & Sugar: A Big City Kitty Ditty by Barbara Johansen Newman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As Read by Red Poetguy

Here’s a tale of love found in the big city,
Two country cats, one rugged and one pretty.

They both went to seek out their fame,
But each other they found, and it was a little lame.

The grey one had testicles, and he plucked guitar.
The orange one sang sweetly and looked good from afar.

Tex the male ended up washing dishes,
Sugar the fem was a female cat... probably liked to eat fishes...

The cats started singing out of desperation,
So sad were they that they looked for... um.. inspiration.

I started singing, much like these little kitties,
But all I could find were a bunch of pitties.

That last rhyme was lame, much like the rest,
I’m out of ideas, I’m doing my best.

Stop staring at me like that, I don’t need your crap.
You try to make up a dumb rhyme about a book about two singing cats that fall in love after failing at their dreams cause alone their dreams were worthless but together they work out and that’s frickin beautiful but you are just a crappy poet alone in your room in your tighty whities staring at a computer screen trying to come up with a dumb poem because some library jackass asked you to review a children’s book and you thought “Hey that’s a way to get exposure for your poetry” but when you start writing all you have is just junk that’s not fit for basic human consumption. Man, I hate this. Oh, yeah... a rhyme... wrap?

I dunno. Merry Christmas.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

M is for Minor, Wendell “My Farm Friends”

My Farm Friends by Wendell Minor
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As reviewed by George Orwell from recently unearthed documents

Mr. Minor has written a biting piece of propaganda that attempts to teach our children that all animals are happy being oppressed and penned. This book is an invitation to delight in the secrets of the flesh and to deny our existence. It also has cute illustrations. But no bunnies! Father’s farm had bunnies with their soft wittle fur that I would bury my face in and go “whosa good bunny-boo?” Ahem. Sorry.

The first notion one gets from this illustrated pack of lies is the “duty of the working class.” The rooster crows as its job and the text invites you to “cock-a-doodle too.” The cats work clearing the barn of mice while no attention is made to the poor mice starving and dying in the streets. That the working class is given this attention confirms that the idea here is to break the reader down, to force the question “are you doing your part?”

The next question the text asks is “do you think you can’t get lower?” Not outright, of course. The question is illustrated by mentioning that pigs bath in mud because they can’t sweat and chickens take dust baths. Ha, look at that, those do look light red combs on a rooster. I want a rooster, maybe a baby chick. Gah! Look at me, turning to their ways. The entire treatment is disgusting.

The final theme is one of acceptance, of “welcome to the farm.” This shameful mocking of society’s weak is presented by a sheep who gets nervous when alone and loves its flock. “Conform!” this text shouts at you from behind wool-covered, aw, wittle lamb. Did you stray away, little fella? Just nuzzle up to mama and- Holy Mother of Mendel!!! I was almost taken in by that obvious Christ imagery. Blast this book, and blast its final message: that the animals are waiting to welcome you to the farm. They are not!

The depiction of this farm is a desperate attempt to teach people that it is okay to be animals, to be herded and penned. The notion of a unified farm culture is an illusion meant to keep the American people locked in stasis. I mean, what would happen if the animals in this farm rose up, threw off their human oppressors...  hmmm, that gives me an idea.

Thanks, Mr. Orwell!

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

L is for Lyon, George Ella “Trucks Roll!”

Trucks Roll! by George Ella Lyon
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As read by Frank “Five Fists” Fingerman, Long Haul Trucker

I read this book to my daughter before going out for another haul and just found it a delightful read. My little Baby Fist, that’s her handle “Baby Fist,” she thought I was just the coolest person in the whole world after reading this book about what her daddy does, but what the hell does she know, she’s six, right? This colorful book of lies does to trucking what Lord of the Rings did to hiking. Yeah, it’s cool and all, but that just ain’t the way it goes.

The following are factual inaccuracies I found in “Trucks Roll!”

- While trucks do have trailers and cabs, but it is very dangerous the way they show them truckers transporting rabbits and labs. You just can’t have a labrador hanging out the back of your trailer, people.
- I don’t know what kind of school these people went to, but you just can’t have a giant spout hooked to a giant bathtub filled with giant apples trolling down the highway. Just ain’t safe.
- The twisty road they depict does not have any type of sand trap to slow down a runaway haul.
- Even if you could bake a cookie large enough to drive on a covered wagon, those things would just be unsanitary to have in the open air like that.
- I’m not even going to go into how that puzzle would stay together like that in the box.
- Air horns don’t go “beep” no matter how deep they are. I always thought it was more of a “honk.” That may be a personal choice.
- While we may stop at gas stations, we use diesel. Gasoline just ain’t good in the rig.
- I don’t want to give anyone the illusion that truckers drive “rolling dreams.” I’ve always thought of rigs as “fart boxes.”

Thanks, Five Fists!

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.

K is for Kimmel, Eric A. “The Three Little Tamales”

The Three Little Tamales by Eric A. Kimmel
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As read by The Rojo Fairy

Hello, boys and girls! I’m the Rojo Fairy, or “Red” Fairy, and I’m here to tell you about the most wonderfullest story I have ever read. The Three Little Tamales is an amusing retelling of the classic Three Little Pigs story with a Latino twist, or “gimmick”. Can you boys and girls say “gimmick”? I knew you could. Let’s see what this story has in store for us. He-he.

We start our tale in the “taqueria of Tio Jose and Tia Lupe.” In English, that translates to “McDonald’s of Uncle Joe and Aunt Rebecca.” Within this taqueria lives three tamales, which are what the French call “taco wraps.” The three tamales run away, each finding a new place to stay including sagebrush, corn, and a cactus. All of these plants are indigenous (can you say “indigenous”?) to the land known as “Mexico,” where all food talks.

One day along comes Senor Lobo, the Big Bad Wolf. “Senor” in spanish means “mister” and lobo”means “wolf,” which means his name is “Mister Wolf, the Big Bad Wolf.” When I knew him, we just called him BBW, but then he had all that trouble with the pigs and moved across the border. We’ll always have that last night in Tijuana, I guess.

Anyway, so BBW comes along and he’s all rough and tough and wants him some food, even though it probably spoiled in the sun, but I guess because it’s living he’s okay with that. Hey, boys and girls, can you say “carrion eater” in Spanish? Me neither.

So the jerk huffs and puffs and blows down the first two tamales houses. Same old schtick. “Schtick” means “something you do over and over again like leaving a fairy alone in a foreign land after a night of passion and never calling her again.” Why do I always go after the bad wolfs? Can you say “daddy issues,” boys and girls? I can.

So he goes after the tamales in the cactus and they defeat him. Actually, they try to roast him alive, which is more than that sad bast- Oh, Right! Boys and girls, the mean old wolf is beaten by the tamales and they all live happily ever after.

Wasn’t that a wonderful story?! Goodbye, little ones! May your lives be glorious!

Thanks, Rojo Fairy! Where do I find these people? I have to get more normal reviewers... Half of them don’t even say if the book is good or not. Weirdos.

Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.